


I am Poison

by Nerdgirl001



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, M/M, Past Abuse, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-01
Updated: 2014-10-01
Packaged: 2018-02-19 13:30:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 13
Words: 16,817
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2390051
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nerdgirl001/pseuds/Nerdgirl001
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes you don't know what will happen if you are dying or if someone you love is dying. It might even force you to say something you didn't realize you felt.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Just Like Old Times

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys this is my first fic that I've posted so please give me tons of feedback!

In the dark of night Dean drove down the highway music softly playing. He slowly reached behind him, keeping an eye on the empty roads and trying not to be too loud, to grab an old worn blanket. He finally got a hold of it and pulled it into the front seat. Using his knees to steer, he carefully laid the blanket over a shivering Sam in the passenger seat. Sam shifted for a moment and Dean was worried that he'd woken him, but after a few seconds Sam stopped moving and remained asleep. Dean let out a breath that he didn't realize he had been holding and turned his attention fully back to the road.  
\---  
An hour later Dean was having trouble keeping his eyes open and looked down to the cup holders to see if they still had any energy drinks left. Suddenly Dean saw headlights ahead of them that were veering into his lane out of the corner of his eye. He whipped his head up as the truck that the headlights belonged to came barreling their way. He had to fully pull off the road to the right to avoid getting hit. Shit, he's going to hurt someone Dean thought and flinched as he imagined little five year old Sammy running across the road at night without checking for cars as he often had. He pulled back onto the road and turned around to follow the truck, and that one night, when I fully had to pull him back from the road, he was so close to getting hit He quickly pulled the blanket off of Sam and threw it into the back when he was right behind the truck, knowing how much Sam hated it when Dean tried to take care of him. Seeing that no one was coming Dean pulled into the wrong lane and laid on his horn waking up Sam and the driver of the semi-truck. When he was sure that the truck driver got the message he flipped him off and he quickly turned back around. He looked over and saw Sam, his hair flying everywhere in the wind from the open window, looking drowsily and angrily at him. He rolled up the window. Dean laughed and said "you awake now?"  
Sam rubbed his eyes like he had when he was ten, and said "what the hell was that for Dean?"  
Not wanting Sam to know what memory had made him decide to do that, he simply said "I thought you'd gotten enough sleep already, I can't have you go soft on me just yet!"  
Sam turned away frowning and grabbed the warm blanket from the back. "You want me to take a turn driving? I know you haven't gotten sleep for like three or four days" Sam asked Dean.  
"Two" Dean incorrectly corrected Sam, and then he shook his head no and Sam curled up and fell back asleep with ease.  
\---  
In the morning with music blaring the Winchester boys flew down the highway. They had been traveling following dead end after dead end crossing the country back and forth for two weeks now. "This one better actually be something" Dean growled as he pulled over near an old abandoned house.  
"No kidding" Sam replied as he slammed his door shut and grumpily opened up the trunk. Dean, without knocking or even thinking about trying the handle to the door kicked it down and rushed inside. Sam yelling "was that really necessary?" closed the trunk and followed Dean in the abandoned house.  
Once in the house they saw that everything was covered in a thick layer of dust "well at least this one looks the part!" Dean sneered. Sam got out the EMF reader and clicked it on. Nothing. Dean, completely fed up with not having actually hunted anything in weeks, yelled at the house "anyone home!?! Come on! We won't bite!!" Then quieter he said "well look there was that once, but it was really only for show!" Sam raised his eyebrows at Dean and shook his head disapprovingly. They searched the house completely and soon were sitting back in the Impala. All of a sudden all of their phones went off, as usual of the past few weeks, with coordinates. "N. O. Sammy boy, we are not taking this one, we are going to chuck our phones and get new ones, I am so friggen sick of this!!" He said punching the steering wheel.  
"Look Dean, I know, okay? I do. But this number... It was one of Bobby's what if he found some way back and he's trying to reach us, maybe we just can't see him..."  
"If Bobby really was here then wouldn't the EMF pick him up?" Dean asked haughtily.  
Sam shrugged and pleaded "one more?" Dean knew that Sam needed someone other than Dean, and hey, he wasn't offended, he knew he was rough around the edges and not the best brother in the world, Sammy deserves better, like he always has.  
So after Dean stared angrily into Sam's eyes he looked up and stepped on the gas, "where is this place anyways?"


	2. Falling for You

As they pulled up, Dean still driving and refusing to sleep, to the house that the mysterious text had lead them to they saw that the house was completely falling apart. "Wow," Dean said, "I mean not only did we have to drive for an hour into this desert, the place is a dump." Sam shrugged still honestly just surprised that Dean hadn't turned back halfway through. Dean opened up the trunk and they grabbed their guns and knives. Ready, they clambered over the half caved in door and carefully walked over the loose, creaking floorboards. Again Sam turned on the EMF scanner, but to no avail. "I'll check upstairs, you look around down here" Dean whispered.  
"Careful!" Sammy warned as Dean began a slow ascent up the rotted stairs. He finally made it to the top and began carefully checking all of the rooms. He slowly creaked open the first door to the left, with peeling pink paint and silver letters spelling out a name that was now lost to mold. He thought he saw a shadow near the window and quietly and carefully walked over towards the heavy moth-infested curtains a long and jagged knife in his hands.  
As he passed the middle of the room he heard a flutter of wings and began to turn around saying "Cas!?" when he felt a sharp angel blade slip into his back just below his shoulder blade. He choked on the word and fell to his knees as he felt a warm trail of blood come up his throat and slip down his chin. He saw a small drop of his blood slowly crash to the floor, and he saw the world begin to fade out. He faintly heard the floorboards underneath his knees crack and give way. He was flying, slowly, in between here and there, living and dead. Flying in and out of consciousness, in and out of the pain and the bliss. All was silent, all was well, he saw Cas's face up above him and he smiled as the rest of the world slipped into oblivion, and now all was gone. All except one piercing voice yelling his name.  
\---  
The next thing he knew he was laying somewhere, throat dry, air being forced into his lungs and back out, a sharp pressure on his ribcage, all fading back out, back into peace. A pulse of static light came into his body and he could hear his heart begin to beat, something he hadn't noticed stop. And the world came back, first in the slow rhythmic mechanical beep that matched his heartbeat, then with a slight pressure in his hand, the burning sensation of light on the front of his eyelids, the creaking of every bone and muscle as his body began to twist and turn as if it was shouting out trying to get attention in a blank careless world. Spasming. That was the word. Every part of his body that he could feel was running in different directions, soon being held back with infuriating bonds. He tried to break free, to be honest, he was terrified, 'who knows what these people want from me... Oh Cas (a phrase Dean had begun to say in his head instead of oh god), am I in hell?' Soon, however, all of that was again washed away. All thoughts, all emotions, all of the world.  
\---  
"Dean"  
"Dean"  
"If you can hear me..."  
Dean began to feel a pressure on his left hand again.  
"Oh, this is stupid"  
"But I need you"  
Dean opened his eyes slowly, and everything was a blur, all swaying lights and an ethereal haze. He blinked a few times, only now becoming aware that someone was still talking.  
"-an you see me?"  
Dean tried to make his cracked lips work, his mouth fumbling over itself. He only managed to make a series of grunts and moans. He was getting frustrated now. The world was all mixed into one ever-changing color, his hearing was coming and going as it pleased, and his muscles were unable to move in the slightest. Eventually he gave up all hopes of seeing or moving and focused on listening, he was pretty sure this was poetic justice in a way as listening was not his strong point, but the next second he was missing what was being said as he was trying to figure out what the hell 'poetic justice' meant. Soon he gave up and tried to focus on the words. They were all gibberish... Surely that wasn't... Wasn't... English? That was the word that came to mind, so he went with it.  
"Plshh comm bk o me..,"  
Dean gave up. "Hunt" he heard that word... He wasn't sure what it meant but he felt very strongly abo... "Cas", that one sent shivers up and down his spine, but again he had no idea why. He wasn't sure how long he was in that state, only hanging on to certain words, never seeing a clear figure. He was now conscious again... This was another pain as he wasn't sure when he was conscious and when he wasn't any more. But everything was black. All of a sudden a fear struck him and a single word came to mind 'blind' he was terrified and only half sure why. He forced his eyes open and sighed in relief as he could begin to see a slight outline of a familiar figure sleeping in a chair next to him. Progress, this is good. He realized he must have made some sort of noise as the figure next to him stirred. Eventually he heard Cas's beautiful voice come out of the shadows. He couldn't quite put together what he had said but just the sound of his voice was comforting enough. Again he felt a slight pressure on his hand and tried to look to see what it was, he groaned as the muscles in his neck were so sore they would not budge. He closed his eyes. He might have imagined it, but he could have sworn that he felt a soft hand gently trace over the features on his face. He fell asleep.


	3. Fire and Ice

The next morning he woke up to a large crashing noise. His head jerked up and he realized that he was sitting up; this only lasted for a second however as the dizziness quickly set in and everything seemed to dissolve into black again. All was peaceful again. Moments, or maybe even days after he thought that, he could feel a slight pinch in his arm. The pain from the pinch was soon taken over by a burning sensation flowing through his veins. His eyes opened and he cried out. He saw a blurry Sam trying to pull the nurse away from him yelling something at her. Dean was happy for a moment as he realized that his sight was almost fully back. The only word he caught from Sam however was "allergic" and he pieced together what had happened from that and the intensifying burning and tingling throughout most of his right side. Moments afterward he felt another pinch in his arm just above the last one and a cooling sensation ran through his body. This fire was put out. He sighed.  
He opened his eyes and looked down at his arm whimpering slightly as he saw the red, puffy, and irritated skin that had begun to cover his arm. "Calm down sugar," the nurse soothed, "it's all better now hun!" Sam however still looked furious. Dean turned his head over to the other side testing out his new found mobility and found Cas staring at him.  
All at once he felt a rage take over him flowing through his body faster than the poison or what-have-you. He wanted to reach up and strangle Cas as he now realized what had happened. "You bastard!" He yelled at Cas, "you stab me and then you dare to come here to what? Finish off the job when no one was looking?!" He was absolutely fuming, completely forgetting about the fact that a moment ago he could not do much more than move his head and now he had slightly lifted himself up on his arms and not only was comprehending everything that was said, but able to construct an argument and yell it at Cas. This amount of progress in one instant was too much for his body to take and soon everything was swept up into the blackness again. Dean could feel every inch of his body in pain, the fire in his veins completely gone now, but each muscle ached and he wished that this could all be over already.  
\---  
Finally, that night, he mustered up enough strength to open up his eyes. He looked around, everything was crisp and clear, and he could hear the gentle hum of electricity running through the machines that he was connected to. Everything seemed to piece itself back together within him. He was already feeling much better. He forced open his eyes, but what he saw made his heart skip a beat. Sam was sitting over him with more than just a little stubble on his chin, he obviously hadn't shaved in a week at least. This meant that Dean had been out for at least a week. Dean moved his arms and legs to try to stretch out his tight muscles; this drew Sam's attention to Dean. Sam looked at him eyes wide and teary. "D-Dean?" He stuttered.  
"How long has it been?" Dean sighed.  
"Three months" Cas replied from the corner.  
Both Sam and Dean turned to him and, in unison said "what?" disbelievingly. Cas looked from one confused face to another his face beginning to twist to match the others' confusion.  
"Since we last saw each other?" Cas replied blushing slightly.  
Sam almost laughed, "No Cas, he meant how long has he been out," he turned his head back to Dean, "Four days... Two weeks since you were stabbed." Sam said trying not to smile after the past confusion and the blushing angel in the corner. Dean still looked upset but at least he was comforted by the fact that he hadn't been a vegetable for three months.  
All at once, however, the anger began to spark in his mind and filled his body, "you! You stabbed me!" He yelled at Cas.  
"Hey," Sam said trying to get Dean to calm down, "Dean you don't even know what happened!"  
"Well then, explain to me what actually happened" Dean huffed in response.  
Cas, seeing this as his job began the story. "Well you see it all started back in mid-October when you got your first coordinates from Naomi-"  
"that bit-?!" Dean interrupted.  
Cas gave him a silencing look and continued, "Naomi sent you the coordinates using the alias of your friend 'Bobby'. She knew it was the only way to lure you into the trap, however, when you showed up and sliced your way through the legions of well-trained an-"  
"she set us up, realized we were too strong, then tried to weaken us from sleep deprivation" Sam interjected. Cas tilted his head and looked at Sam. "Sorry, you were taking too long" Sam said with a slightly apologetic shrug.  
Dean looked from Cas to Sam then shook his head, "alright, but that still doesn't answer the question to as whether or not I should gank him right where he stands" he said motioning to Cas. Cas was hurt by this, he didn't understand how trying to save Dean was worth this treatment, maybe he felt abandoned, he knew Dean had some sort of complex about this.  
"Look Dean, Cas didn't stab you," Sam tried to get Dean to understand.  
"Naomi did" Cas interjected.  
"He's right Dean," Sam said trying to stop Dean from glaring so angrily at Cas, "plus, if Cas had stabbed you do you really think that I'd let him be here right now?" Dean seemed to get it, but he still looked upset. Cas stepped forward, but froze in his tracks as Dean's menacing glare turned to him.  
"That still doesn't change the fact that he abandoned us!" Dean said voice growing louder. Sam stood up, he walked over to the door and said "I'll let you two figure this out" before closing the door after him, he was so done with this argument that Dean always had, sure, people abandoned them, but that's just what people do. Anyways, he needed some fresh air. Cas looked up from the floor briefly to try to catch Sam's eye, hoping he could convince him to not leave him alone with Dean, but the door shut too quickly.


	4. A Grim Prognosis

Cas looked back down for a moment then his eyes traveled up the broken body that lay before him to Dean's eyes. Although the rest of his face was white and sort of greenish, his eyes looked the same as ever. They were galaxies within themselves, so complex and beautiful. They held all the emotion and were the window to the soul. And Dean's eyes showed a milky green passageway filled with twists and turns that kept everything hidden, and away from the light. "Well?" Dean's voice cut through Cas's thoughts, "you have anything to say for yourself?"  
"I-I don't know what you want me to say Dean" Cas sighed. Wrong answer. He could see that.  
"Really? I would have thought maybe something about the fact that I prayed to you almost every night and not once did you answer me? Or how about the fact that you said this 'Naomi' chick had been controlling you since you got out of heaven then just left? Or maybe you'd wish to say something about the fact that you left us to pick up the pieces!? You were never there for us dad!" Dean yelled and then stopped dead in his tracks. He closed his eyes and slowly squeezed them tighter.  
Cas studied him for a moment watching the deep wrinkles around his eyes form and then smooth back out then he asked carefully, knowing he was stepping on eggshells here, "are you okay?"  
Dean's fist closed tight around the blanket and Cas wanted to run, it wasn't good when Dean was this quiet. “no" he finally said in a small voice, "no Cas, I'm not okay. Maybe-maybe you should just leave" Dean was trying to hold back tears as he slowly looked up at Cas. Instantly Cas was heartbroken. Dean looked like a broken man. Like a man that had given up. Like someone who only had one good thing left in this world, and that had just been ripped from him like everything else.  
"Want to talk about it?" Cas asked very calmly.  
"No" there was a pause.  
"I'm sorry Dean." Cas finally said, he didn't know why he found this so hard to say, but it took a lot of will power to force those words out of his mouth. Once these had fallen out he couldn't seem to stop to rest from coming out as well. "I know that I have disappointed you, and that's something I never had wanted to do, you have to believe me that I thought that it was the right thing to do. I am sorry Dean. I will make this up to you I will..." At this point Cas finally got control over his mouth again and stopped himself from saying any more.  
With a sour laugh Dean replied "that's what you always say." He didn't know why but he enjoyed watching his friend's face fall, watching the beautiful blue eyes begin to flood. The way his back slumped... The way... Oh, he couldn't take this anymore. "Sorry, that wasn’t cool..." Dean said trying to make Cas less upset, although he had no idea why, he was hurt and wanted Cas to feel his pain. But he caught his breath as Cas looked up into Dean's eyes and a single tear tore down Cas's face. "Come here" Dean instructed.  
As Cas began to walk over trying to dry the tears from his eyes a doctor came in the room looking very unhappy. "May I speak to you in the hall Mr. Pollack?" Cas looked to Dean who nodded at him, and followed the doctor into the hall wiping the last tear from his face. Dean watched what he could from the fogged window. He saw Cas's outline in the shadow on the window. He saw when Cas rubbed his hand over his chin, as he always did when he was nervous. Cas began to move a little at first then after covering his face with his hands he moved completely out of frame. Dean knew something was wrong, but he could no longer see what was happening. He then saw a tall figure approach and begin to talk to the doctor. Well that's either Sammy or one broad shouldered lady Dean chucked to himself, but soon stopped as he saw Sam too move quickly out of view holding his head. Something was really bad.  
\---  
Sam and Cas walked into the room about thirty minutes later. They both looked like they had been crying. "Whoa, hey, what's going on?" Dean asked having a gut wrenching feeling he knew what it was.  
"Well," Sam shakily started, "the doc says..." Sam trailed off not quite able to finish his statement. "You only have a month," Sam quickly got out, "tops" he added.  
Dean didn't know what to say, "you believe him?" Was all he could say in order to try to make his little brother not cry, although the sinking feeling in his gut made it hard to be positive.  
Sam almost laughed at that then turned away and quickly wiped his eyes on the back of the sleeve of his plaid shirt. "Hey, now don't worry about me, I feel fine" Dean tried again, but his voice caught one too many times to be taken seriously. "What exactly did he say, huh? That they didn't know what was wrong? That they simply won’t help me? That all of the nurses have fallen for me so they can't help? What?" Dean said trying to keep the mood light, but still being serious.  
"He said the exact opposite as a matter of fact, they know what is wrong, but they can't fix you. Plus all of the nurses..." But Sammy stopped mid-joke. He just couldn't make jokes at a time like this. "Dean, apart from losing about 30% of your blood, your heart is failing, and well, you're just not strong enough to survive the operation." Sam finally choked out.  
Dean looked around the room. "Alright, well can't they just pump me full of blood and give me a few days to get my strength back"  
Sam shook his head in a that's-not-how-it-works-Dean sort of way before saying, "they're gonna try their best, the doc said that he will do as many blood transfusions as he can then as soon as they can they'll do the heart transplant. But he also says that most likely you wo- you won't make it through the surgery." Dean sighed. He closed his eyes that were dry and burning from the tears hiding behind them.


	5. The Story

When Dean opened his eyes again he saw that the sun had gotten lower in the sky and it was almost dusk. Cas was pacing the room and Sam wasn't there anymore, hopefully he was getting some sleep but Dean knew that wasn't very likely. "Where's Sam?" Dean asked. Cas paused and looked up at Dean.  
"Getting... Sleep" he said.  
"Don't lie to me Cas"   
"I don't know, he stormed out an hour ago" Cas offered.  
Dean sighed again, "how long have you been standing there? Come and sit down" Dean said pointing to the seat next to the bed watching Cas's tired eyes. Cas tilted his head and hesitated, but eventually he came over and sat down. Dean watched Cas as he sat down and began worrying his hands. Dean laughed when he saw that Cas's tie was inside out and backwards, "what did'ja dress yourself this morning?" Dean said and reached up to fix it.  
"No, I don't change my clothes" Cas replied matter-of-factly.  
Dean laughed again then said "then how does your tie keep getting-" he broke off and began to cough. "Erm- keep getting messed-" he coughed again "-up?" Cas did not answer, but instead looked at Dean worriedly. Dean, admiring his work, looked at Cas's tie for a while, but soon found his eyes drinking in every bit of the perfection before him. He hadn't had Cas this close to him in months, maybe not ever. His hand still around Cas's silky blue tie began to tighten and pull Cas closer by looping the tie around his hand. Closer and closer until- the door opened. Dean instantly let go of Cas's tie, pulled his hand away, and shut his eyes for a few seconds. Cas not knowing what was going on jumped up when the door slammed closed.  
"What's going on?" Sam said suspiciously.  
"Well," Cas began, "Dean was fixing my tie as it was inside out and backwards apparently and then-"  
"you came in" Dean quickly added.  
"Right" Sam said looking confused not sure if he had seen anything, or if there was even anything to have seen.  
\---  
Days passed and Dean was getting blood transplants every few hours, but still nothing was getting any better. On the sixth night of the week it was Cas's turn to stay with Dean. It was hard for Cas to even look at Dean right now; he was always so... so Alive. Now his eyes looked sunken in, his skin around his eyes seemed to wrinkle, and his beautiful tanned skin down his arms and chest was now an almost pasty white. As if all of that wasn't enough, he could see in Dean's eyes that he had given up. "Cas?" Dean said with a weak voice, "could you tell me everything that's happened while I've been here; I still don't know what happened when I was passed out."  
Cas looked up at Dean and watched his pale lips move struggling through the words. "The first week that you were here Sam sat by your bed holding your hand, he would not move and only ate and drank what I brought to him." Dean closed his eyes and let Cas's voice fall over him like soft soothing waves. "After about three days he fell asleep, but only for a few hours. After a week was up your chances of ever waking up diminished significantly. So after that I made him rent a hotel room and we switched off staying with you."  
Dean opened his eyes slightly, "But you don't even need to sleep, so what did you do when Sam was here?" Cas looked down at the sheets on the bed, white and clean, not a speck of dirt or grime. Rubbish, it was like heaven, perfect, but looks can deceive. "Cas?" Dean said getting his attention back to the question and opening his eyes a little wider.  
"I, well, I went after Naomi" Dean was surprised although he wasn't sure why, Cas had turned against the angels before for me- no, for the greater good. But killing Naomi wouldn't do anything for 'the greater good' why would he even try?  
"Did you catch up to her?" Dean quietly asked, trying to keep the awkward silences down to a minimum and trying to keep Cas talking. It was very soothing.  
"Yes" Dean looked at Cas trying to usher him to go on, finally, after a slight coughing attack he got Cas to continue. "I caught up with her, but I did not -erm 'gank' her" Cas stumbled through and Dean let his eyes slowly close again, "I let her talk, it seems that she always thinks that what she is doing is for the best. After a heated discussion I believed her, but I-"  
"wait!" Dean interrupted opening his eyes fully, "what did she say to convince you that killing me was the right way?"  
Cas tilted his head a little then shook it, "no, you do not understand. I never agreed that killing you was the best course of action, but she convinced me that killing her wasn't the best course of action either."  
Dean went quiet for a little bit, thinking that Cas would actually answer the rest of the question that he had asked, but he soon gave up on that so he said "well? What did she say?"  
Cas continued to watch the sheets, seeming to envy them, and looking as though he wanted to burn them. Finally he said, “I don't remember."  
Dean looked incredulously at Cas while fighting his eyes to remain open, "you what?"  
"I'm sorry Dean... I don't know, but I can at least finish answering your initial question. It was on the night that I found Naomi that you woke up. Sam was by your side and I believe he was talking to you when you opened up your eyes. He was so happy he called me back to you. I left Naomi and came back. All of the excitement died away however as you were very unresponsive and the doctor was worried that your motor functions might never return. Then you fell back asleep. I stayed with you for most of the nights after that as Sam was getting angrier and angrier until one night about three days after that he threw the chair over. Apparently the noise woke you out of your deep sleep and you became responsive again. And well a few days after that the nurse gave you something that you were allergic to, luckily I had a vial of some pretty strong 'angel magic' as it's called that I gave to you telling the nurse it would help to take down the swelling, of course this wasn't a lie, but it did much more than that. A few seconds later you were able to hold yourself up and even yell at-" he broke off as Dean began to cough much worse than before.  
Cas handed him a cup of water, but Dean pushed it away, "no, remember?" Dean said through coughs, "I can't eat or drink anything for twenty-four hours before my surgery, and doc said that it was tomorrow."  
Cas put the water cup back down. "Well trace amounts of water every few hours won't hurt anything" he said grabbing a small sponge on a stick, dipping it into the water, and tried to hand it to Dean. Dean glared at him. "Wha- Dean, you need water" Cas said, flustered, and not sure why he was being stared down.  
"I ain't sucking off of some sponge to keep hydrated" Dean growled in response.  
Cas tilted his head, he wasn't sure why Dean's boundaries were set where they were but apparently Cas just crossed one of them. "Dean, this is a very normal thing..." But Dean waved away Cas's and wouldn't hear of it anymore.


	6. Complications

Hours passed and Dean began to fall asleep. Suddenly an idea hit him, it hit him so hard it felt as though his soul was slapped by a de-railed train. He opened his eyes realizing for the first time something that had been staring him in the face, it has all come down to this, if the doctor's predictions are correct, this is my last night on earth. Cas jumped a split second after Dean and quickly asked "what's wrong?!" Dean shook his head, he couldn't clear it, he was in a fog, and everything he wished for was spiraling out of reach. He felt his breath shorten; he didn't know what was happening. His heart was beating faster and faster. Everything began to go black. Machines began to go off and he was sure that this was the end.  
Then it all began to fade away, not the world. But the pain, the fear, the worry. "I love you" quietly escaped his lips as he saw that Cas was slowly running his fingers through Dean's hair, calming him down. Dean wasn't even sure what he had said, only that it was the truest thing that he had ever spoken, and the effect it was having on Cas. Cas's face went through a series of emotions. For a few seconds it landed on happy. With his full pink lips twitching upward, but soon it fell back to upset as the tears of both joy and anguish cascaded down his angelic cheeks. Dean's hand lifted without his command, and it wiped away the tears from Cas's eyes even though they were falling from his as well. Dean didn't know what he was doing. This was all so wrong. But it was also perfect. Even when Cas leaned down to gently kiss Dean's lips he didn't stop him. He was lost. Everything would be okay, he decided, even if he died the next day, hell, even if he died the next minute. He found his arms wrapping around Cas's neck, pulling him in, pulling him closer as they kissed. Soon however, what was happening came to Dean through his groggy mind. He quickly let go of Cas. In fact he may have accidentally pushed him away. "I... I don't...." But Dean could not get his mouth to work again. Cas looked down at Dean confused and hurt. "I'm sorry. I don't know wha- I- um- what came over me" he stuttered out.  
"Dean" Cas softly cooed, "it's okay, I know. You are heterosexual, but as an angel I am outside the walls of 'gender'" he spoke clearly and calmly hoping not to piss Dean off any more. "And- I- I love you too"  
Dean laughed, "don't lie to me" he said making Cas tilt his head in confusion. "Compared to you, I am nothing; I'm like a speck of dust falling in love with the glorious sculpture I've landed on"  
Cas didn't know what to say, "Dean, you are everything that I've ever wanted, you are perfect in-"  
Dean was much better at interrupting than Cas, "no, just stop. I don't want to hear it. I don't want to hear you lie to me. Don't take pity on me, that is the last thing I need right now, I know that I'm not perfect, you and Sammy deserve much better and I'm sorry for what you got stuck with." Cas shook his head unable to find a way to make Dean see the truth. So instead, he kissed Dean again.  
\---  
Sammy arrived at the hospital early in the morning. As he set his hand on the handle to the room Dean was in he thought he noticed something. He quietly moved his hand and stood outside as a doctor came by "Christo" Sam coughed. The doctor flinched and Sam said it again this time under his breath. The doctor flinched again. Sam began to follow him into a back room. He quietly began to chant the exorcism. The doctor slumped over and nurses rushed to his aid. Sam pretended to look on in confusion as he continued to mumble the exorcism and back up against the wall. Nurses began to scream and run as the thick black smoke began to froth from the man’s mouth and his eyes turned black. The Doctor screamed. Sam stumbled backwards then fell over pretending to try to get away as he finished the exorcism. The black smoke disappeared and the doctor was left unconscious. Sam got up and looked around and saw that everyone was gone. Quickly he left to go back to Dean's room the back way.  
When he finally arrived he saw Cas holding Dean down as Dean scrambled to get up, "-et me go! Didn't you hear the screams?"  
"I took care of it," Sam replied.  
Dean stopped struggling and relaxed a bit, "what was it?"  
"A demon possessing a doctor. Hey Cas, can you get up into the rafters and draw a demons trap over the entrance to this room?" Cas curtly nodded and flew away. "How are you feeling?" Sam said worriedly.  
"Just fine" Dean replied sarcastically. At that moment they heard wings flapping and Cas was back. Seconds later the doctor, not the one who had been possessed by a demon, walked in to the room. "Ready?" He asked. Dean nodded and Sam and Cas stepped to the side allowing him through.  
\---  
Sam and Cas had been sitting in the waiting room for only twenty minutes when a nurse came out and asked, "Sam?" Sam began to get out of his chair worriedly, The doctor had said it would take a few hours. when the nurse walked over to someone else. Sam and Cas both sighed in relief, the doctor told them to expect it to take hours and they understood that if it was way shorter than that he had died, and if it was way longer than that they were having complications. Sam relaxed back into his chair. Out of the corner of his eye he could see Cas try to start saying something about three times before actually getting anything to come out of his mouth.  
Sam laughed to himself then turned as Cas asked, "Sam?" in a small voice.  
"Yes?" Sam replied starting to worry about what was causing Cas so much trouble.  
"I... Well, I uh..." Sam looked at Cas's face and saw that he was having trouble breathing.  
"What is it Cas? Are you hurt? What's wrong?"  
Cas shook his head and tried to regain control of himself, "I need to tell you something..." And again he trailed off.  
"yes? Um... Do you wanna speak somewhere more private?" Cas nodded and they both stood up.


	7. Maybe Love

"What's this about?" Sam asked as they turned the corner and began walking down the nearly empty hallway.  
Cas drew a deep breath and slowly let it out, "look," he slowly began, "I know that you're a very... understanding person. And... Well I just-" Cas broke off as a doctor passed them. "I need you to-" Cas had never found it this hard to explain what he was trying to say, he had always found the right words when he needed them but for some reason his mouth and mind were failing him. "I need you to be understanding of this and I know that it might be a shock to you but I think that you can handle this and well I think the only way that he'll be okay with this is if you say that it's fine and that you understand and will love him no matter what or something like tha-"  
Sam cut him off, "whoa, Cas slow down! Just breathe, what the hell has gotten into you? What's going on? Is this about Dean?"  
Cas nodded, stopped walking, and looked to make sure that there was no one coming. "Sam, I lo- I love your brother" he finally got out. He looked up at Sam expecting either a punch or a hug, but got neither. Instead he got Sam looking down at him with a mix of expressions portrayed on his face. His pink lips had curled up slightly into a small smile while his eyes focused in on Cas, his pupils widening, and his iris seemed to turn a darker, richer brown and Cas now noticed water begin to pile up almost spilling over the bottom of his eyelid, his cheeks flushed a bit but his skin remained stretched and taught.  
"Did you tell him?" Sam asked in a slow measured voice obviously holding back as much emotion as he could,  
Cas couldn't tell if this was good or bad. "Yes- after he told me."  
Sam's eyes widened even more and he wrapped his arms around Cas's shoulders and hugged him, "oh thank god, thank god that he has you. He has needed you for so long!" Sam released Cas and continued still hiding onto his shoulders, "I knew it! I knew that he loved you... But he was always too damn proud to admit it! Oh Cas, you should have seen what it did to him every time you left, It tore him apart. Oh! And when he left you in purgatory, I thought he'd never forgive himself... Oh he deserves this so much! Maybe now he can finally be happy!"  
Cas looked up so relieved. "I- I wasn't sure how you would take this..." Sam smiled the biggest smile he had in weeks, heck; he'd go as far to say in months! They quickly returned to the waiting room and sat back down.  
\---   
About forty minutes later the doctor came out and moved towards Sam and Cas. "He made it through the surgery" he said sounding astounded. He began to lead them back to his office, "now we'll just have to see. If he has no more complications then he might completely recover, but frankly, he has a snowball's chance in hell to fully recover from this." Sam and Cas looked at each other, Cas worried, and Sam, while still worried, looked with an expression that sort of said 'well at least he's got experience in that area.' The doctor, unaware of what was going on behind him, continued to talk, "what you really need to do is just keep him relaxing for a few months-" the doctor held open the door for Sam and Cas to go in, "please take a seat" he said following them in and sitting down at his desk. "Now what we need to do is go over a bit of a plan for his future, now, Sam right? You're his brother according to the file" Sam nodded, "and you are?" He asked looking to Cas  
"um, I'm-"  
"his boyfriend" Sam said with a huge smile. Cas looked over at Sam amazed, because of Dean Cas thought that there would be riots like in the 1930's, but to his surprise the doctor merely looked up shocked.  
"Oh... Right, I didn't... Um, okay. Well then," he said writing something down in his folder. "Dean is going to have to remain here for at least another week, and after that he is going to have to be on medication for anywhere from six months to... possibly the rest of his life."  
Sam nodded, "what will the side effects of this medication be?"  
"Well if he doesn't take it, the side effect will be his heart being rejected from his body. And if he does, this will mean first and foremost that he will be taking a pill every day on a schedule, the downside of the immunosuppressive drug that I'll be giving him is that it increases his chance of infection. He's young, so it's possible he'll be fine. He's going to have to come in for a check-up every few months to make sure that his heart is not being rejected."  
Sam was still watching the doctor as he spoke, realizing how serious this all was, "how will we know if his heart is being rejected?"  
The doctor sighed, "that's a bit complicated, he will be weaker, he could have a fever or flu-like symptoms, a significant amount of weight gain, exhaustion after simple movements, among others. Really if he experiences any of these you have to bring him to a qualified doctor to check up on him. He will have to be taking a lot of medication, so someone has to be in charge of making sure that he takes all of his medication every day. After about six months his doses will be decreased. He will also have to change his diet a bit, less salt, more protein, things like that. Also he won't be able to drink any alcohol. Look, I need you to understand that his life will be drastically different from now on."  
A nurse knocked on the door and came in, "Dean Page is waking up, sir." The doctor nodded. Sam, recognizing the name he had put down when he signed into the hospital, stood up and looked at Cas to do the same. "Thank you," Sam said to the doctor while shaking his hand. "Right this way," the nurse calmly spoke and began to lead them back to Dean's room.  
\---  
When they arrived they saw Dean groggily looking up at them, "Sam? Cas?" He asked.  
"That's right sweetheart" the nurse said, then whispered to Sam, "he'll be a bit out of it for a while." She smiled down at Dean then asked in a voice sweeter than pie, "can I get you anything honey?" Dean shook his head, and she left.  
"How do you feel?" Sam asked.  
"Like I'm floating on a river of morphine" Dean replied dreamily. His eyes were glossed over a bit, Cas noticed, but he looked happy so he disregarded that.  
"Hey Dean?" Sam paused waiting for a response.  
"Hmmmmm?" Dean sleepily moaned.  
"You're not on morphine."  
Dean laughed and pulled the sheets up over his face. "Maybe it's love" he said into the coarse sheets and soon fell asleep.


	8. Right Here

Sam left the room, he needed sleep and he also wanted to give Cas an opportunity to talk to Dean. He slowly headed back to the Hotel. The wind lazily whipped at his hair, it was just breezy enough to give a slight nip to the air, but still warm enough that Sam soon shed his large jacket. The wind softly rustled the branches of the trees next to him. The temperature and his sleep deprivation caused a slightly euphoric atmosphere around Sam. He even whistled a bit as he walked. A particularly loud rustle of branches turned his attention away from the beauty of the night; he stopped walking and clenched his hand around the knife in his pocket. Slowly he walked over to the bush and stretched out his free hand to move a branch ready to attack at any moment. "Sam?" He jumped and swiveled around on his heels.  
Cas stood there looking worried. "What's going on?" Cas asked Sam stepping towards him.  
"I think there is something in the bushes..." Sam said keeping his voice low. Cas tilted his head, lifted his hand towards the bushes, and studied them for a second.  
He put his hand back down, "A rabbit" Cas said and touched Sam's forehead with two fingers.  
"A what?" Sam stumbled as he walked into the bed in his hotel room.  
"It was a rabbit" Cas repeated and then again touched two fingers to Sam's head. Sam was falling. Deep deep down into a never-ending chasm of sleep. Cas tucked Sam in and returned to the hospital. "He's asleep" Cas said.  
Dean shook his head, "did'ja have to knock him out?"  
"Yes. He was watching a rabbit"  
Dean looked up confused, "a rabbit? Like two fluffy ears, hops around, eats carrots?"  
Cas titled his head, "that is a rabbit Dean, well they mainly eat a diet of grasses and-" he stopped himself as Dean groaned. "Sorry" he added.  
Dean looked up "no, it's alright. I'm just worried about Sammy."  
Cas came over and sat down next to the bed. "Right now we are just worried about you, anyways he's alright for now, he's sleeping and will be for-" he checked his wrist looking at a nonexistent watch, "Oh, my watch is gone." Dean laughed. It was a laugh that took over his whole body. Afterwards his chest was quaking but no sound was coming out, he had a smile so big that cracked his dry lips, and he had tears in his eyes. Cas slowly ran his fingers softly over Dean's face wiping away the tears and repairing his slightly bleeding lips. "Cas" Dean whispered and lifted his arm around Cas's shoulders to bring him closer.  
Cas wrapped his arms around Dean and suddenly felt himself choking down sobs. "I- I could have lost you today" Cas cried into Dean's shoulder.  
"Hey, shhh... It's alright, I'm right here baby, I'll always be right here."  
Cas smiled and laughed through the tears that were slowly rolling down his cheeks, "did you just call me 'baby'?" Cas felt Dean's strong shoulders tense and move up quickly in a shrug. After a few more minutes Dean let go of Cas.  
As Cas moved away a bit Dean saw the dark bags under his eyes, and the skin around them begin to puff up from the tears. Dean laughed as he saw that Cas's tie was inside out, "come here" Dean said and grabbed a hold of Cas's tie when he leaned closer. "How does this keep happening?" Dean asked almost giggling as he finally got the tight knot apart on Cas's tie.  
"I don't know Dean," Cas said disappointedly looking down at Dean's hands working on his tie. I don't seem to know anything anymore he thought, angry with himself for letting his feelings show to Dean. Dean finished with his tie and lifted his hand to push Cas's head up. "Dean, you should get some sleep" Dean sighed and looked deeply into Cas's swirling blue eyes.  
"Yeah, I probably should" Dean replied but did not make any effort to get more comfortable or move. His hand was now wrapped in Cas's tie and he was not letting go. Dean gently lifted himself up pulling Cas in closer. Cas closed his eyes his lips seconds away from Dean's. "I can't do this" Dean whispered and let Cas go.  
Cas opened his eyes his mouth going crazy without Dean's lips pressed into his, he needed Dean to kiss him. Suddenly he realized what Dean had said, "what do you mean?" He said trying to keep his voice calm, still refusing to move away from Dean at all.  
"I mean I can't tell people about this," Dean paused waiting for a reaction. When he didn't get one he continued, "I'm not even sure if I can continue to do... This" he spoke tears choking his words.  
Cas slowly inched away from Dean not wanting to be too far from him but also realizing that Dean might need some space and time. "Please," he whispered into Dean's ear, "I need you Dean." He waited for a moment. "Why are you doing this to me?" Cas said a little too loud as he hit Dean's stomach angrily but not enough to actually hurt him. Cas realized that something was wrong. He pulled himself away from Dean and turned on the light. Dean turned away as the light came on. Cas just caught a glimpse of the light reflecting off of Dean's angry eyes as he turned over.  
"Sorry Cas" Dean said trying not to yell at him.  
"Dean? I'm sorry. I just can't live without you."  
Dean took a deep calming breath, "I'm sorry" he said again this time in a soft voice.  
Cas realized that this was about more than what was on the surface here. "What is it?" Cas said turning down the light in the room and walking around the bed. He saw that Dean's eyes begin to water slightly. Cas slowly ran his fingers through Dean's hair, pausing for a second with two fingers pressed into Dean's forehead.  
He was transported into Dean's memories. "Get out Cas!" Dean yelled as he realized where they were.  
"I'm sorry Dean," Cas said soothingly, "but we need a place we can talk alone and you can't leave the hospital.  
"So why again did you have to bring us here?" Dean asked obviously furious.  
"I didn't Dean, you did." Cas tried to explain but was cut off when he saw a much younger Dean walk through the room in the memory. Dean also went quiet, he seemed to be focusing on something and was fighting Cas to leave this memory, but Cas held him off for a moment. He needed to know what Dean was so worried about. Cas looked around and saw that they were in a small diner.  
Dean, the younger one, had walked past them on his way to the restroom leaving Sam at a table alone. Sam couldn't have been more than four years old at the time. As Dean left the room everything went fuzzy, Dean hadn't seen what happened, and neither would they. When he came back, however, something was horribly wrong. Sam was gone. Dean walked back to the table at first unaware of his missing brother, as he turned to look at Sam, he became terrified. Of course he thought (while the thoughts echoed off the walls of the diner) just as dad is almost here Sam has to go missing! Dean whirled around and looked for his brother, but Sam was nowhere in sight. Dean rushed out of the diner and began to yell for Sam, "Sam! Sammy! SAM!" But there was no answer. As if on cue Dean heard the loud unmistakable growl of the impala pull up behind him. Slowly he turned around.  
"Dean?" came his father’s rough voice from the window of the car, "where's Sam?" Dean wanted to cry, but he knew that it would only make things worse. "You lost him?!" John yelled as he got out of the car and walked over to Dean, "you had one job Dean! Oh god, why are you doing this to me?!" His hand flew down towards Dean's face and Dean cowered back.  
Finally Dean overpowered Cas, and the little boy with tears streaming down his face and his father's hand almost hitting him, was gone. They were at a lake, A calm and peaceful lake where Dean often dreamed. Cas turned to Dean. "No" Dean said, "we will never talk about that; now get the hell out of my head!"  
"No Dean, we don't have to talk, but you also don't have to be alone. I'm right here if you need me."


	9. Recovery

The next day Sam rolled into the hospital at about noon. It was disorienting waking up so late after years of waking up at seven or earlier. He didn't even think that it was possible for him anymore, but yet here he was. He got out of the Impala and locked it. The sunlight felt so warm on his skin. He had been cooped up in the hospital only leaving and coming in the dead of night or early in the morning before the sun began to heat the freezing earth. Sam walked inside, soon he found himself with his hand on the door knob to Dean's room with no idea how he got there. He turned it and pushed the door open. Cas looked up as the door opened and Dean opened his eyes. 'They both look angry' Sam thought. "What's going on here?" Sam asked.  
Dean, completely ignoring the question said "well look what the cat dragged in! How long were you asleep?" Sam laughed and shook his head, he honestly had no idea.  
"I have to go" Cas said and disappeared in a flapping of wings.  
Sam looked at Dean critically, "what did you do?" He asked almost angrily.  
Dean finally turned to look at him, "drop it" he said trying so hard to keep any emotion from his voice.  
"But Dean!" Sam protested but was soon silenced by the hard stare from Dean.   
"How many more days do I have to stay in this hell-hole?" Dean asked irritatedly.   
"Six more days unless things start to go wrong." Sam replied flatly. He was so mad at Dean; he knew that Dean couldn't just let himself be happy and that he had to ruin it.  
"What's bugging you?" Dean asked only half interested.  
Sam shrugged, "I don't know Dean, maybe the fact that you push away everything or one who could possibly make you happy?!"  
Dean looked up incredulously, "that's not true Sammy," then before Sam could protest he finished, "what about you? I'm not pushing you away am I?"  
Sam paused for a second while inspecting a tile on the floor, "Dean, I know that you can't be happy with me around, you are constantly worried about me... An-"  
Dean looked straight up at Sam, "no, don't you ever say that, ever, you get me?! Without you and Cas I'd have no one!" They heard a flutter of wings above them. Dean yelped in surprise as Cas had appeared right beside him, and before either of the brothers saw where he was he bent down and wrapped his arms around Dean. "Wha- Cas! What are you- where were you?" Dean asked still wrapped in his angel's arms.  
Cas wouldn't let go of Dean and in response whispered into Dean's ear, "it doesn't matter, all that matters is that I'm here now."  
Sam meanwhile was sitting on the opposite side of the room feeling very uncomfortable, he cleared his throat. Cas realized that Sam was there but he just couldn't let go of Dean yet. Sam stood up, "well- uh, I guess I'll be going back out to get some lunch now... Bye" and he awkwardly stood up and walked into the empty halls.  
Cas almost let go of Dean when he felt Dean's strong arms lift up and land on Cas's back. "Where did you go?" Dean asked again. Cas paused, he didn't want Dean to know that he had gone back and watched Dean when his father was back, he learned that John wasn't always abusive, but he wasn't afraid to start swinging when someone put his family in danger, no matter who this person was. This lead to multiple heated discussions with Bobby about how Dean IS his family that didn't end well for either of them. Cas had also noticed a trend, Dean could fight anyone. Not only hold them off, but he could kill them all if only he had the right tools. But if a family member ever hurt him, Cas included he realized, Dean would never ever hit back. "Cas?" Dean asked trying to remember why he had been angry with Cas in the first place.  
"I- I just went to collect my thoughts..." Cas replied. He finally released Dean and straightened his back. Dean gave up trying to remember why he was mad and stared at Cas's blue eyes.  
There was a knock at the door. "Come in" Dean called. The doctor slowly opened the door. He walked in with a slight smile on his face, "you ready to get out of here?" He asked. Dean's face light up, "what, seriously? I thought I had to wait another six days!" The doctor shook his head the smile still pressed into his lips, "no! You're all set! Mr. Pollack here signed you out!" The doctor said cheerfully. Dean smiled, 'finally,' he thought, 'things are going my way.'


	10. Life Goes On

Dean got out of the hospital and the three of them decided to go to the Men of Letters' headquarters. Cas sat in the passenger seat admiring Dean as he drove the car. He was smiling, he looked happier than he had in weeks. Mental note: hospitals do not suit Dean, don't take him there unless absolutely necessary Cas thought to himself, he kept plenty of mental notes on Dean. Dean looked sideways at him and blushed slightly; it was easier to tell when he blushed now that the tan on his cheeks had faded a bit. Cas realized that he was staring at Dean and this was why he had blushed. He turned away. He looked back at Sam whose head was quickly turning away as if he didn't want to be caught staring at them. Cas turned to look out the window. Now Dean found himself staring at Cas, but he soon whipped his head back to the road, as he realized that he couldn't get distracted. After a few hours of driving Dean was already getting tired. Sam could tell that he was faltering but he also knew that Dean would never pull over and let Sam drive. "Hey Dean?" Sam asked, "could we pull over at the next gas station? I just realized that I haven't had any water in days and I'm getting a little dizzy" he lied.  
Dean looked back worriedly before saying, "yeah, sure. You shouldn't do this to yourself Sammy, you gonna be okay for a bit? The next exit isn't for a few miles." Sam nodded but Dean still sped up pushing through his grogginess to get to the next exit as fast as possible. Once they got to the gas station Sam got out of the car to get some water and Dean decided to fill the impala up. Dean stood by the gas pump as it pushed the yellow fluid into the almost empty gas tank. He began to feel a bit dizzy himself and he decided to open up the back door to sit down. Sam came out if the greasy gas station and got into the driver’s seat. "Whoa there little brother, just what exactly do you think you're doing?"  
Sam laughed. "Dean you’re exhausted, just take a break, I can drive you know."  
Dean shrugged, he really was quite tired, "fine, whatever" he replied and pulled the pump out of the gas tank and payed.  
Sam took off back down the road heading back towards the headquarters. Cas quickly moved to the back next to Dean. Dean rested his head back on the seat and soon was asleep and slightly snoring. Cas couldn't hide his smile at the cute little innocent noises coming from Dean. Sam looked back for a second and when he saw that Dean was asleep he quickly merged left making Dean's head slowly slip down the leather seat and land on Cas's shoulder. He looked back again and saw Cas's eyes light up when Dean's head came to rest on him. Cas wasn't expecting Dean's head to move so easily, he always seemed so firmly planted. Cas tried not to make it a habit of watching Dean sleep, but on occasion he couldn't help it. Now he was watching Dean's every move. His eyes seemed to be moving back and forth under his eyelids as if they were searching for a demon to come out of the shadows and run straight at him. His muscles twitched every now and again. Even in sleep he still remained so tense Cas noted. Cas reached the arm that wasn't pinned down across to Dean's hair. Slowly he ran his fingers through the gelled combed hair. He closed his eyes immersing himself in the sensation of the rough hardened gel break apart allowing Cas's fingers to easily slide through the smooth hair.  
\---  
Dean awoke to gentle hands rocking him back and forth slightly as a soothing voice called to him to wake up. When he opened up his eyes he realized that the car had stopped moving and that his head was on Cas's shoulder. He pulled himself upright again and groaned slightly. "You alright?" Cas asked softly. Dean nodded and got out of the car. He looked up at the building that he now called home. He never truly had had a home- well that wasn't strictly true. He had one, one with a loving mother and father, one with a little brother, one with no monsters, where he could have lived a normal life. Sam, however, Sam had never had a real home-until now.  
Sam walked over to him breaking into his thoughts, "Are you coming in or are you just gonna stand there?" Dean smiled and wrapped his arms around Sam for a moment, then let go and slowly made his way inside.  
\---  
After just a week of being stuck the bunker, most of it spent laying in bed, Dean was itching to get back out on the road. As he woke up on this particular morning he was instantly hit with a wave of boredom. He opened his eyes and rubbed them slightly. He turned over and looked at the clock, 3:30. Hmm he thought to himself, that means that Sam will still be asleep for a couple of hours and Cas will still be in the study reading one of the almost infinite books in the library. He put his legs over the edge of the bed, this is the day, the day I actually get up and do something. Dean pushed himself off of the bed and stumbled forward into the wall, the world faded out of view and Dean blinked a few times trying to stop the head rush. He closed his eyes tightly for a minute and let the dizziness subside. When he opened them again the world came back into focus, 'baby steps' he reminded himself. Slowly he pushed himself away from the wall into a standing position. He began to move his feet, walking around the room, not getting too far away from the wall in case he needed to catch himself. He made his way over to the closet. Silently he opened the door and grabbed out a T-shirt and a pair of jeans. He quickly changed into these, throwing his pajamas that Sam had bought him onto the floor. Sam had given them to him to be 'comfy'. This was the last thing that Dean needed right now. He needed to be uncomfortable and awake. 'Here we go' he shuffled over to the door, slowly and softly he pushed on the handle and opened the door. He noted the coolness of the air, Cas and Sam had kept it so warm in Dean's room. He breathed deeply and let a smile find its way across his face, 'fresh air, that's what I need' he told himself. Swiftly, with his arm trailing against the wall in case he began to fall he tiptoed to the door. He set his hand on the handle and smiled knowing that he was going to breathe in fresh air for the first time in a week. He turned the handle. He put his entire weight against the door and it slowly creaked open. He stepped out into the sunlight.  
"Where are you going" came a whisper from behind him. He might have imagined it, but it was more likely that Cas had flown in behind him.  
"Nowhere Cas. I'm going nowhere." He breathed out, letting the cool breeze whip his hair around a bit.  
"I'm sorry"  
"Don't be"  
"But Dean-"  
Dean turned around, "what's wrong Cas?" He saw his angel looking worried and tired.  
"Please Dean, come inside? It's not safe out there!"  
Dean cocked his head to the side, "not safe? What do you mean it's not safe?"  
"Please! I'll explain later! Just come inside!"  
Dean sighed and walked in to the musky bunker. He began to cough again. Cas gently supported him and they began to walk to Dean's room. "No," Dean said in between coughs, "please, not back there." Cas nodded and began leading him to the study where he had been reading. Once they got there Dean saw piles of books ready to read about any and every monster you could think of. But the one that was open was new; Dean looked down at one of the pages and saw the words "living with a failing heart" scrawled across the top of the page. Cas clicked his fingers and the book disappeared to the top of the closest stack. Dean sat down, "okay, what the hell’s going on?" He asked.  
Cas whispered something under his breath, "my little snowball"  
"What?" Asked Dean, who couldn't actually hear what he had said.  
"There is a nest of Vamps nearby, we don't know how they got this close without our detection, but they did. They have just started killing people and, well, they're one of the fastest groups of Vamps I've ever seen." Cas explained. "Sam is out there now trying to lure them away one-by-one so that he can kill them, but we're not sure how much longer this will work."  
"He's out there on his own?!" Dean asked.  
"Yes"  
"Why didn't he call somebody? Like Garth or someone?" Dean asked worriedly.  
"He doesn't want to give away the location of our base, and more importantly of you."  
Dean looked exasperated, "but we can trust Garth!" He insisted.  
Cas shook his head, desperately wanting Dean to understand, "we can trust the real Garth, but no one has seen him for months, we don't want to risk him being a shape-shifter or a siren."  
Dean was already exhausted from this argument, "fine" he said and stood up.  
"Wait! Where are you going?" Cas asked apprehensively.  
"I'm going into the kitchen to make some food." Then after a second he said, "will Sammy be back soon?"  
Cas shrugged. "He went out last night and he said that he'd be back as soon as he killed every son-of-a-bitch-who-has-ever-killed, or something to that effect." Dean walked back into the kitchen without another word. He opened the fridge and grabbed out the eggs. Cas walked in and watched as he turned on the stove top, placed a pan into the fire, and cracked two eggs over the side of the pan.  
He saw Cas watching him, "do uh- do you want any?" He asked.  
"Well, I don't need to eat normally, but my vessel has felt weak for the past couple of days..." Dean smiled and cracked open a few more eggs. He went around the cabinets grabbing spices and the cream cheese. He added everything and quickly had finished the eggs. He grabbed two plates from the cupboard and served the eggs.  
\---  
After they ate Dean cleared away and cleaned the plates and silverware. Cas, however, still wasn't feeling any better.  
"Do you want any help Dean?" Cas asked while watching Dean wash the plates.  
"No I'm almost done already" Dean replied quietly. He was still worrying over Sam.


	11. All I Need

Dean walked past Cas into the study. He had been pacing for hours. Cas followed close behind him.  
"Dean?" Dean stopped moving and Cas ran into him, just as he planned, he quickly moved his arms up and captured Dean's abdomen within his arms. "Remember when you said that you love me?" Dean's muscles tightened in his shoulders but he made no move to get out of Cas's grasp. "Remember?!" Cas pleaded, close to tears.  
"Yes."  
"Do- do you still feel the same way?"  
"Yes." Dean replied, still with no emotion in his voice.  
"Then why are you acting so coldly to me?" Cas said as he pulled Dean in closer to him. Dean turned around within his angel's grasp. He put his arms around Cas's waist and lifted him slightly so that he was resting on his tip-toes. Dean leaned forward and kissed Cas.  
"I'm sorry" he kissed Cas again.  
"Dean you don't have to-" but Cas never finished that statement because Dean slowly let him down to stand on his feet again and he leaned down and kissed him even more tenderly than before. Dean released Cas and walked away. Cas was left standing there, well really leaning there using the wall to keep himself up. His heart was pounding very fast and he was sure he was seeing stars, or maybe it was hearts.  
\---  
Cas had tried to not bother Dean for the rest of the day, but the more he read about heart transplants, the more he wanted to spend time with Dean. By the time dinner rolled around Cas decided to get something for Dean to eat. Cas popped over to the nearest diner and got Dean a burger to go. When Cas returned he flew to the outside of Dean's door. He knocked, knowing how much Dean loved privacy. There was no answer. Cas slowly opened the door and looked in. He saw Dean laying, sprawled out in his bed. Cas walked a little closer. He saw the white bandage that was soaking through with a deep crimson red on Dean's chest. As he walked closer he saw that Dean's cheeks were wet with tears and his pale green eyes stared listlessly ahead.  
"Dean?" Cas softly asked. Dean didn't move. "Dean?" Cas asked a bit louder, beginning to get worried. Still there was no movement from Dean. "Dean?!" Cas yelled and grabbed his shoulders trying to shake him out of whatever was going on. Tears began to stream from his eyes and he figured Dean was dead.  
"Stop"  
Cas looked up and stopped shaking Dean, "D-Dean?" Cas sobbed. Dean lifted a hand and rubbed his eyes.  
"What do you want" Dean asked curtly.  
"Wh-why didn't y-you move?!" Cas exclaimed as the tears continued to poor down his cheeks. Dean wiped Cas's cheek and looked at Cas with dead eyes.  
"What's the point?"  
"H-huh?"  
"What's the point of moving? Sam's probably dead and there's nothing I can do. You're tearing yourself apart over me and there's nothing I can do to stop myself from dying. Everything's falling apart. Everything's over, I ruined everything, I- I am po-."  
Cas lifted a shaky hand and rested it against Dean's cheek, "it's okay, please Dean, it's okay. None of this is your fault. Okay? If anything, it's mine, I'm the-"  
"No. This isn't your fault Cas."  
"My little snowball" Cas whispered.  
"What did you say?" Dean asked suspiciously.  
"Dean. I love you, and the only reason that I'm falling apart is because I'm not strong enough. I can't handle this, but I'll try harder, I promise. And Dean? You're not going to die. Not on my watch." Dean huffed and turned away from Cas. "I brought you some food." Cas said and he grabbed the bag of food that he had flung down on the chair when he walked in. He handed it to Dean, "please eat" Cas said hopefully. Dean pulled the bag to him and began to eat. Cas smiled to himself, 'my little snowball.'  
\---  
The next morning Dean woke up from a fitful night's sleep and got up instantly. He looked at the clock to see it was barely past two AM. He knew that Cas would have a fit if he found out how little sleep Dean actually got last night. Dean got dressed and quietly opened his door. He walked into Sam's room. "Sammy?" Dean called out quietly. There was no response, Dean sat down on the edge of Sam's bed and looked around. Through the darkness Dean could see the plain room, only a laptop and a few clothes still packed in a bag to show whose room it was. A tear slipped down his cheek and he instantly wiped it away. He got up and walked into the study, where Cas usually sat, there was no one there. He began to panic a little; he grabbed one of the iron rods leaning against the wall and slowly began to search the rooms. He remembered what Cas had said about vampires and he grabbed a vial of dead man's blood from his jacket, Cas had made him keep one with him just in case. After he searched all of the rooms he called out to anyone that was there hoping to either draw out the creature that had infiltrated them, or to get Cas back to him. He heard a noise behind him and turned around ready to swing the iron and stick deadman's blood into some Vamp's neck. He stopped himself when he saw Cas standing behind him, "Cas! You can't do that to me." Dean huffed, his heart still beating way to fast.  
"Take a seat Dean" Cas said worriedly. "I'm sorry I left, we needed supplies and I figured you wouldn't be up for another four or five hours." Dean placed his hand over his heart and took deep breaths to try to calm himself down, but his heart would not slow down. "Dean? Is something wrong?" Cas walked closer to Dean and took his pulse. Cas stopped dead when he felt Dean's heart pumping so fast. He knew that this was very dangerous for someone in his position. He ran his fingers through Dean's hair and he softly hummed. Dean began to calm down. He even began to slowly rock back and forth. Dean stood up and turned on the radio. He put his arms around Cas's waist. The music filled the room. Cas looked at the radio and saw it was hooked up to Dean's iPod. Cas smiled, Dean never let anyone listen to the songs on his iPod. Dean began to move in rhythm to the music and Cas followed his lead.  
'you were standing in the wake of devastation'  
Dean softly sang along to the song,  
'You were waiting on the edge of the unknown, And with the cataclysm raining down, Insides crying, "Save me now!” You were there, impossibly alone'  
Dean began to move with Cas a little bit faster, not much, but just enough to keep up with the music as the chorus played through. They slowed back down.  
'And in a burst of light that blinded every angel, As if the sky had blown the heavens into stars, You felt the gravity of tempered grace, Falling into empty space, No one there to catch you in their arms'  
Cas began to notice tears filling Dean's eyes and Dean rested his chin on Cas's shoulder.  
'And let it go, let it go'  
Cas rested his chin on Dean's shoulder; they fell back to shifting back and forth as the chorus began again.  
'Do you feel cold and lost in desperation? You build up hope, but failure’s all you’ve known, Remember all the sadness and frustration, And let it go. Let it go'  
Dean's strong arms surrounded Cas, he felt so safe in this moment. Cas felt as though nothing was wrong for the first time in months. The song ended. Dean pulled himself away from Cas and turned off the radio.  
"What was that?" Cas asked quietly, still slightly rocking back and firths little.  
"Iridescent, Linkin Park... Good huh?" Dean still wouldn't face Cas, and instead watched the floor intensely.  
"No Dean," Cas smiled and walked over to where Dean was standing with his back turned. He placed a hand on Dean's shoulder, "I meant why did we dance?"  
Dean was silent for a second. "Because I'm getting worse Cas and I don't know if I'm ever going to get better."  
Again Cas inaudibly whispered, "my little snowball."  
"What the hell do you keep say'n?" Dean asked getting a little bit annoyed.  
Cas smiled, "my little snowball" he replied loud enough for Dean to hear him.  
"Why would-" Dean tried to stand but was too weak and dizzy to get up, "um, why would you say that?" He asked shaking his head to clear it.  
Cas walked over to Dean, "I say it because the doctor said you have a snowball's chance in hell to survive" he whispered. Dean did not hear him though. He was breathing hard and he was beginning to loose feeling in his legs.  
"Something’s wrong." Dean gasped and grasped at his chest. Cas placed a hand over Dean's heart; he could feel every weak beat it took. It barely was working hard enough to keep Dean alive. Tears began to spring up in Castiel's eyes. He immediately pushed them back, he had to help Dean. He didn't have time to fall apart. Not yet anyways. Carefully he picked Dean up and carried him to his room. He apprehensively placed Dean on the bed. "Cas" Dean whispered, "I'm sorry."  
"Don't be ridiculous, there's nothing to be sorry about Dean."  
"I'm dying Cas, and for that I'm sorry." Cas fought off the tears with every ounce of his being. He managed to turn a sob forcing its way up his throat to a sigh. "I'm dying, but I guess it doesn't matter in the end."  
"What do you mean it doesn't matter?" Cas asked while a few tears began to fall down his face.  
"I just mean, in the long scheme of things in going to die eventually. So why not here and now?" Dean struggled to speak.  
"Shhh. Don't talk like that. You can't give up yet." Cas began to sob, "You can't leave me now!" Dean lifted his hand up to Cas's cheek. He held it there and closed his eyes.  
"I love you Cas. Please don't forget that." Then in an even quieter voice he continued, "please don't ever forget me." Cas was now sobbing so hard that he couldn't say anything in reply to Dean's plea, and collapsed into the bed, "Shhh, baby it's going to be okay." They lay there silently for a while. "Cas?" Dean whispered.  
"Yes?" Cas replied in a cracking, weak voice.  
"Can I ask something of you?" Dean begged quietly.  
"Of course you can. I'd do anything for you Dean. You know that." Cas faintly responded.  
"Please, can you find Sam and bring him home? I- I just want to see him again." Dean sobbed out almost silently.  
"Okay. I'll get him. Don't you worry I'll find him. I just need you to hang on for me okay? Hang on until I get back with Sam." Dean nodded and Cas got up. He grabbed a glass of water and some food and set them on Dean's nightstand. "I'll be back. I love you Dean." He whispered, "my little snowball, hang in there for me." Then he was gone.  
\---  
Early the next morning Cas discovered Sam in an alleyway. He was beaten and bruised and didn't look like he could stand. "Sam?" Cas called to the body when he saw him.  
"Cas?" Came a very frail reply. Cas walked over to the broken body laying in the alleyway.  
"What happened to you?" He asked as he began to clear away the bruises and cuts.  
"I was jumped by those vamps. They almost sucked me dry. Then they left me here to die I guess. I am lucky that you... Wait. You promised me that no matter what, you'd stay with Dean and keep him company." Sam looked accusingly into Cas's eyes. Cas stood and helped Sam up now that he was healed. Cas was almost angry at Sam. Sam was healed so easily, if only he could do the same for Dean.  
"Sam. It was his final wish to see you again. He is almost dead and there is nothing that I or anyone else can do. But you need to come with me." Cas placed two fingers on Sam's forehead. He flew them back to Dean. Once they arrived Cas ruffled his feathers to announce his arrival like he always did. Dean didn't move. Sam ran across the room and fell to his knees besides Dean's bedside.  
"Dean?" Sam softly exclaimed. "Come on. Wake up. Wake up!"  
Dean began to stir a little and Cas walked closer. Dean opened his eyes a crack. He smiled splitting his dry lips in the process. Cas ran his fingers through Dean's hair and the blood on his lips disappeared along with the cuts.  
"Hey Sammy boy" Dean said in a voice that was barely audible. He tried to lift up his hand and place it over Sam's but he was not strong enough. Sam saw what he was doing and grabbed Dean's hand.  
"Hey Dean. How're you feeling?" Sam asked with tears cascading down his face.  
Dean tried to say something but nothing came out, he tried again, "it-ss good to see y-ou." He finally got out.  
Sam smiled, the tears had begun to cloud up his vision so he let go of Dean's hand for a second to wipe his eyes, "it's good to see you too." Then after he recovered Dean's hand he went on, "so. Is this it?" He asked broken-heartedly.  
Dean nodded, "s-sorr-ry."  
Sam shook his head, "it's okay, don't be sorry. I know you. I know that you are holding on with every last ounce of strength. But it's okay. It's okay to let go. Maybe then you'll finally be able to be at peace." Sam sobbed out. Cas continued to run his fingers through Dean's hair.  
"I love you baby, but he's right. You can let go. You can let go of the pain and let the world blissfully dissolve away." Cas sobbed. Dean now had tears running down his cheeks as well.  
"I-m no-t giv-ving up yett." He stumbled through his words. He held on. The pain was becoming unbearable, but he held on. The pain reminded his heart to beat. He reminded his heart to beat. The world slowed down and he stole one last look at the people that he loved. The people who loved him. The world began to lose its sharpness. "I- love you bot-" and that was it. The world faded out. He was resting peacefully.  
He saw Tessa appear before him. "Hello Dean." She said quietly. Dean looked around him.  
"Goodbye Dean. We- we love you too." Sam said looking around the room. He knew that Dean was now with a reaper, probably Tessa.  
"Sam. I'm going with them. I'll be back, but I'm going to take Dean up to heaven. I won't let him fall to hell." Cas said staring right at Dean.  
"Look, I don't normally do this, but I'm going to let you say goodbye." Tessa explained, she closed her eyes for a moment.  
"Dean?!" Sam said. "Tessa?" Dean looked over and realized that he could see them.  
"You have two minutes." She said and began to talk to Castiel.  
Dean smiled and walked over to Sam. "Sammy" he said and then fell into Sam's arms that wrapped around him.  
"I love you Dean."  
"I love you too Sammy. Could you do something for me?" Dean asked quietly.  
"Of course Dean. I'd do anything for you." Sam cried in response.  
"Please, stay safe. Get a girl. Have a few kids. Grow old with her. Find happiness. I'll have Cas give me updates on you. I'll be watching." Dean looked Sam straight in the eyes as he spoke.  
Sam smiled and nodded his head, "I will."  
"Dean? It's time." Tessa said and slowly walked over to him. There was a tear that was rolling down Dean's face, but he pushed it away. He turned and waved good-bye to Sammy as Tessa put a hand on Dean's shoulder.


	12. A New Beginning

Sam was alone for mere seconds before Cas returned. He was bloody and bruised.  
"Cas? What happened?!" Sam called out and ran over to catch him before his head hit the floor.  
"W-we were ambushed. Taken over with demons. They got him. They got his soul. I don't know how that found us." Cas sobbed out. Sam stood up and backed away from Cas.  
"So he's- he's in hell?" Sam said slowly.  
Cas shook his head, "not for long."  
"What do you mean!?" Sam demanded.  
"I messed this up, and now I'm going to fix this." Cas said determinedly.  
"How?! How are you possibly going to fix this Cas?" Sam yelled.  
"I'm going to turn back time."  
"What?" Sam turned and looked at Cas.  
"It might kill me. No, it will definitely kill me. But I'm going to fix this." Cas closed his eyes and concentrated. The world began to get a little brighter. The glass all around them burst. The world was shaking. The light became blinding and Sam shielded his eyes. "I'm giving you two a new beginning, use it wisely!" Cas shouted over the blank noise blocking out everything else.  
\---  
In the dark of night Dean drove down the highway music softly playing. He slowly reached behind him, keeping an eye on the empty roads and trying not to be too loud, to grab an old worn blanket. He finally got a hold of it and pulled it into the front seat. Using his knees to steer, he carefully laid the blanket over a shivering Sam in the passenger seat. Sam shifted for a moment and Dean was worried that he'd woken him, but after a few seconds Sam stopped moving and remained asleep. Dean let out his breath that he didn't realize he had been holding and turned his attention fully back to the road.  
\---  
An hour later Dean was having trouble keeping his eyes open and looked down to the cup holders to see if they still had any energy drinks left. Suddenly Dean heard a flapping noise behind him and whipped his head around to look in the back seat. "Hello Dean." Cas said warmly before shouting, "Dean look out!!" Dean looked forward and saw headlights ahead of them that were veering into his lane. He whipped the steering wheel to the left in a last-ditch-effort to get out of the truck's way. He was unfortunately too late. The truck careened into the left side of the impala sending them spinning off the road. Dean's head collided with the windshield instantaneously. He was knocked out just as his baby began to crunch down a hill.  
\---  
Dean awoke face down in a ditch. He forced himself up and pushed away the woozy feeling. "Sam? Cas?" He yelled. He got to his feet and stumbled on a broken leg towards the barely recognizable heap of metal that used to be the impala. "No. No nononononono" he groaned. Then he saw the blood. He ran forward calling out again for Sam and Cas. His leg was keeping him from moving very fast at all, but he persevered using the pain to keep himself awake. He got to the car and began to try to get it open, he saw that someone was in there still, but he couldn't see who it was. "Come on. Come on!" He yelled as his desperate attempts at getting the door open failed. He fell over. He could tell that he was about to pass out either from the loss of blood or the pain. Luckily he saw a phone sitting a few feet away from him. Breathing heavily and trying to stay awake he inched his way over to the phone. He grabbed a hold of it and opened it '9-1-1' as he typed the last digit the world faded into blackness.  
\---  
Dean was woken up when he was put onto a stretcher. He tried to speak, but nothing came out. He tried to move his neck to see if they were getting Sam and Cas out of the wreck, but his muscles would not move. They pulled his stretcher up onto the ambulance. A nurse began to speak to him and test to see what damage was done. He complied without complaint. After about ten minutes of being in the ambulance he got his ability to speak back, "wher arr -ey?" Dean said his words slurring together a little bit.  
"The two men you were with?" A nurse asked. Dean nodded painfully. "Last I saw they were pulling them out of the wreck." He informed Dean.  
\---  
Two hours later Deans left leg was in a cast, and he was laying in a bed being pumped full of pain killers. A nurse walked in with a clipboard full of papers. She looked down at Dean. "How are you feeling?" She asked without emotion in her voice.  
"Fine." Dean replied, "how are..."  
"The other two?" She asked. Dean nodded. The nurse sighed and took a seat by Dean's bed. "I- I'm afraid that they are in critical condition." She looked down at her clipboard. "And the doctors are ready to pull the plug on both."  
Dean shot upright and looked straight at the nurse, "No. No, you have to be joking." Tears began to smear down his cheeks as he was forced to lay back down. "Can I see them?" He asked quietly. "Before they go..."  
The nurse looked down. Then she nodded. "But you’re going to have to be in a wheelchair. I'll help you." She said and got up out of the chair. She walked over to a wheelchair and pulled in over to the side of the bed. She called in other nurses to help her and they got Dean into the chair with all the needles and stands set up properly. The nurse who had told him the news pushed the chair down the hall towards the ER. Once they were outside of the room that both Sam and Cas were evidently in, she stopped and took a moment to explain to Dean what condition they were in. "The lighter-haired man's legs had to be amputated, and they are both missing considerable amounts of skin, are you sure you want to see them?" She asked. Dean nodded and she opened the door. Sam was barely recognizable, and Cas only had the left side of his body intact. They both had numerous tubes in them and the machines were beeping away.  
"Can I be alone with them for a moment?" Dean pleaded. The nurse nodded and told him to call if he needed her or wanted to leave. Dean wheeled himself over to Sam first. "I'm so sorry Sammy. This is all my fault. If I had paid attention you wouldn't be here right now." Dean placed his hand on Sam's and sobbed for a minute. "If there was anything I could do to stop this... I- well you know I would go to hell and back for you little brother." Dean now looked to Cas. He wheeled himself over and looked at the side of Cas's face that was almost untouched. "I..." He sighed deeply. "I never got to tell you. I love you." He sobbed into the sheets and grabbed Cas's hand. "I am so sorry!" He wheeled himself back from the two of them. "Everything I touch is ruined! I am p-"  
The nurse peeked open the door, "Dean? I'm sorry, but the man who hit you is here, and he wants to apologize. I'm going to let him in okay?" Dean didn't move a muscle. He didn't even look up when the man walked into the room.  
"Look man, I'm really sorry." The man said sarcastically.  
Dean recognized that voice. He looked up. "You?!" He yelled.  
"Dean, Dean, dean. Calm down." The man clicked his fingers and the world rearranged itself.  
"I should have known. So many things didn't add up." Dean said, now able to walk with no problems, "Trickster."


	13. Doesn't Matter in the End

"Now Dean! I thought we were past that! Come on, you know my name."  
"Gabriel." Dean said in the harshest voice he could muster, "what was the point of all that, huh? What was the freaking endgame of putting me thought that- hell, it was worse than hell!" He yelled.  
Gabe pouted, "what? Are you mad with me?"  
"Look, no more games, no more torture, what the hell did I do to you to make you decide to do this to me?!" Dean yelled again, even more forcefully then the last time.  
"You broke my brother's heart." Gabe replied.  
"I- what?" Dean questioned, this time not yelling.  
"You broke Cas's heart, Dean. And as an older brother I had to try to help him."  
"What do you me- when did I-" Dean stammered.  
"Remember when you yelled at him the last time you saw him? He was so sad that the man he loved could yell at him like that. Look, I know that he may have accidentally lead those vampires back to the bunker and jeopardized the lives of you three, but you can't yell at him like that!" Gabriel finished and walked over to a bar and poured two glasses of whiskey.  
"So that's what this was? A friggen slap on the wrist for losing my temper when he and Sammy were almost killed?!" He yelled.  
"First of all, watch your tone with me son, I can send you right back into your worst nightmare in a split second. Second of all, what do I have to do to drill it into that ape head of yours? Castiel loves you. You love Castiel. Screw the rest of the world and just tell him!" He walked back over to Dean and handed him one of the glasses. Dean took it without hesitation and downed it in one swig, "look. You have no idea what you're talking about-" Gabriel tried to say something but Dean quickly cut him off, "and even if you do, what you've taught me here, is that no matter what, if I tell him it'll just hurt more when one of us dies. I am poison. I ruin everything I get myself into. He deserves better than me. Now get me back to the bunker in the real world right now!"  
Gabe looked annoyed, "you obviously haven't learned a damn thing. Give your brother my love, and get out of here." And with that, he clicked his fingers once more.  
\---  
Dean found himself outside of the bunker. 'Thank you' he whispered to himself and he walked inside. This familiar scene brought a slight smile to his face; Sam and Cas were both cleaning up. There was vampire blood everywhere, not to mention the three bodies. If he was correct, he had just stormed out after yelling at Cas. He pretended to look angry, it wasn't hard to do all he had to do was think of the trickster and the smile was wiped from his face. "Sam? Why don't you go dig a hole in the woods somewhere not too near to here?" He said.  
"Yeah, sure." Sam replied and began to walk towards the door.  
As he passed Dean, Dean reached his arm out and caught Sam in a hug, "I'm real glad that you're okay." Dean said quietly.  
Sam gave him a weird little smile and walked past him and out the door. Cas was trying desperately to wipe the blood off the covers of the books in the shelves. "Cas?" Dean said and walked over to him.  
"I'm really sorry Dean." Cas said and turned to face him, "I can't believe I let this happen. I'll make it up to you I swea-" Cas never finished the word though, because Dean had lifted his chin and pressed his lips into Cas's. They kissed for a few seconds, but it felt like they were suspended in that perfect moment forever to both of them.  
"It's okay. Just don't let it happen again." He said and began to walk away. Cas was left leaning heavily against the bookshelf and breathing heavily. "Oh and Cas?" Dean laughed and turned to look at him before he turned the corner, "I love you, man." He walked away. There was a smile that clung to his lips that he couldn't get to go away, but he didn't mind too much. For now, however, he was tired. So he walked into his room, slipped into his bed, and quickly fell asleep.   
\---  
Some time passed before he woke up again. He wasn't sure how long he was out, all he knew was that there was someone in the room with him. He opened his bleary eyes and looked up, "Cas?" Cas looked down, his cheeks grew rosier by the minute before he finally got up the nerve to squeak out, "I love you too." Dean laughed and smiled. He moved over a bit and patted the bed next to him,"I don't know about you, but i am still tired, so you can either stand there or take a nap with me." Dean turned back over and soon felt the bed move, a strong arm wrapped around him, and Cas pulled himself closer to Dean.


End file.
